Birthday Party Behavior

Today one of Pearl's classmates had a birthday party at our local indoor trampoline play place.  When I think about it now, situations like this have always been difficult for her.  As soon as we step in the door it's as if she has lost the ability to hear my voice.  I try to stay close by and keep an eye on her in the chaos of places like this.  Several times today, while trying to direct her to the thing she asked to do (entrance to the maze, which line to wait in for the foam pit, which side of the inflatable slide to enter) she jerks away from my touch and absolutely will not listen to a thing I'm saying.  I have always chalked this up to bad parenting on my part.  Feeling like maybe I'm too tough on her at home, and she knows she can act up and get away with it in public.    

Her behavior made a little more sense to me today when considering the possible of a sensory integration issue or ADD / ADHD.  But that's only based on Google...not a very official diagnosis.  Either way my heart is still breaking for this beautiful girl of mine.  I'm starting to suspect that she doesn't "get" it when it comes to interacting with girls her own age.  Perhaps she plays too rough, or can't stay focused on what they're doing for a long enough period of time...

  Several times today she tried to join the group of girls from her class, and 3 of the 4 times they "huddled up" and left her alone playing at whatever they had been doing previously.  She didn't seem to bothered by it, but boy I am.  I feel so defensive when I see behavior like this toward my child.  One little girl even started crying when her mom tried to make her play with my Pearl.  Heart.Broken.  

I suppose it's good that she carried on her merry way as if nothing was bothering her.  I'm afraid this attitude will be short-lived.  Especially as we join the public school craziness this fall.  Kids can be so mean when they notice anything different.  It makes me think of so many times I behaved this way in my own childhood.  I can so clearly see now that I was only invited to birthday parties when other kids had parents who insisted.  I couldn't control my behavior and was often the butt of many jokes.  Things like this can be SO damaging to a young girl's self esteem.  I know this from experience.  If there's anything I can do to help her avoid those miserable feelings of despair I will do it in a second.  I specifically remember feeling so frustrated and embarrassed  because I couldn't seem to "get it together" and just "act like those other girls".  I also remember the deep shame that comes along with feeling as though you're a disappointment to your parents just by being yourself.  I'm committed to making sure she doesn't have to go through life with those burdens.

Another odd thing I noticed today was that she had to put her hands on EVERY.SINGLE.THING in this place.  Each video game, air hockey table, gumball dispenser was handled by her at a near frantic pace.  She couldn't walk past the baby area with large foam blocks with out touching them as well.  

None of these issues are the stop-me-in-my-tracks sort of thing.  But I feel as though so many of the "odd" little quirks may have an explanation.  Things like:

 aversion to loud sounds - she can't be near the bathroom if I'm using the blow dryer.  

extreme difficulty in changes to routine - we've jokingly called her "our little rainman" since she was 6 months old.  Even as a tiny baby she needed a very consistent routine

She HATES jeans.  Won't wear them unless we force her too.  Says they're "too scratchy"

Chewing on things when nervous

Seems to lack the ability to stay in her seat at the dinner table

Doesn't like to focus on things that take sustained mental activity.  Won't play any of the "reading" or "math" games on her InnoTab.  

I'm relieved and feeling a little overwhelmed by all of this right now.  I'm so lucky to have such wonderful support in my  life.  My husband, dear friends with a deep love of helping and advocating for children, friends with similar experiences from their own children, family members whose children have similar problems.  We're really learning to reach for those who can hold us up in times when it feels like we can't do it for ourselves.  And I am SO thankful for that.  

Something's up with my P-nut

Well, I guess I've been ignoring it for a while.

Or maybe I've just been hoping this is something she'd outgrow.  

P struggles in some situations.  While watching her in gymnastics last weekend it occurred to me.  Her class is full of 3 and 4 year old's, my sweet 5 year old couldn't focus like the other, younger kids. 

Her younger brother was standing in line and paying attention, and she was spinning in circles. Jumping. Swinging her limbs. Putting her hands on the mat and kicking her feet up and around.  She's in the younger class to "learn the ropes" at the gym, and she's clearly the least attentive of all the participants.  Up until now I kept telling myself that she's young, and young kids aren't know for sustaining attention.

After calming down and collecting myself, I discussed this with my husband. To death.   We talked about what to do.  When we should address it.  If we should.  Is there even anything to be addressed.

My head filled with more questions than Google had answers.  I'm sure online search is the absolute worst thing to do in this situation, but I couldn't help it.  The more articles and websites I read, the clearer one message became.  Ask her teachers.  They see her with her peers every day.  They will have valuable insight. 

I emailed asking if she had any troubles paying attention and staying seated when expected to do so.  The answer was a resounding yes.  Parenthood is such a strange journey sometimes.  It's an odd thing to feel both relieved and somewhat heart-broken simultaneously.   Relief in the most selfish way possibe.  Relief in knowing this isn't just another anxiety fueled hypochondriac moment on my part.  Heart broken for her.  Heart broken when thinking about what this may mean for her.  Kids can be so mean.  Girls in particular.  I guess I'm just wrapping my head around the idea that her "normal".  Her perfectly beautiful, every-piece-in-it's-perfect-place normal may lead her down a path fraught with trials.

Now though, I've decided to get over myself a bit and seek answers.

Why can't she be still when asked?

Is this an impulse control issue, or are we parenting ineffectively?

Why does she chew on things incessantly?
Why does she rub her face on my leg like she's a cat?

Why does she chew on things? Especially when she's feeling anxious?
Why won't she speak in front of strangers?

Why does she struggle SO much with changes in routine?

Is this affecting her socially? 

Is she just testing limits with authority figures?

Could this be A.D.D.?

Could this be A.D.H.D.?

What does the difference between the two look like?

What else could this be?

Is this a sensory processing disorder?

Is she bored during circle time?

Will our insurance company require an official diagnosis before we can get treatment?

Will she need treatment?

Could this be a sensory processing issue?

Could this be an anxiety disorder?

Can she clearly express to us what is going on?

Will we have medications shoved in our faces?
How will this affect her moving forward?

How will this affect her transition to public school in the fall?

What if she gets a teacher that won't work with what's best for her?

What resources are available to us in our community?

This list boils down to just one thing for me right now: What are we doing wrong?

I'm meeting with her pediatrician next week to discuss my concerns.

Now more than ever, this one thing is clear.  We love her.  We love her brother.  So very very very much.  We love her if she's a mainstream cheerleader in the making.  We love her if she's an artist dancing to the beat of her own drum.  We love her if she's a million different things in between. 

3 weeks post op today

Things are looking up for me and my recovery...but I'm hesitant to put that out there.

I had a cystogram on July 5th.  My bladder was filled to capacity with contrast and then x-rays were performed.  No signs of leaking were visible, what a relief!

My doctor's words of advice to me were "You are sealed, you're not healed" so I've spent the last couple weeks laying on the couch, doing very very little.  I still have an 8lb weight limit. Which means I can't lift anything heavier than a gallon of milk.  This limitation was especially frustrating when my "4 gallon" 2 year old got strep throat and just wanted to be cuddled and carried every where.  Thank goodness daddy was able to take the day off work and take care of him.

The incision is healing up nicely.  While I'm still not thrilled about the "x marks the spot" pattern of scars I have going on now, I'm glad to see this looks like it will be a very small scar.

Pain is pretty minimal at this point.  If I'm up moving around for more than about 30 minutes I start to feel sore.  And I get pretty tired after about 2 hours of activity.  But it's all manageable with rest, ice and occasionally half a vicodin.

My next check up is in a couple weeks, and hopefully I'll be cleared to go back to work at that point.

Recovery

Well surgery is done. My Dr. says it went as well as possible.
I am home from the hospital now and trying very very hard to take it easy.
Today I'm having bladder spasms which are not being controlled with Vesicare. I've got some Toviaz to try tomorrow and if that doesn't work they are mentioning something called a "belladonna/opium suppository"

Last time I checked, no one told me anything about poop-hole-narcotics being part of recovery this time around.

Although, to be fair, up until today I didn't know poop-hole-narcotics were part of anything, ever.

In case you're curious this is what 4 days post-op looks like:

Surgery Tomorrow

Scheduled for surgery @ 2:45 to repair the fistula. Unbelievably nervous today. This anxiety stuff is manageable most days, but right now I feel like my esophagus us chewing it's way down my throat to meet my small intestine.

Surgery is Scheduled

2:45 Wednesday the 27th I'm going under the knife for a fistula repair.

I am feeling really nervous about this surgery. And a TON of anxiety about our finances...we have no savings, and I'm really not sure what we are going to do for the six weeks I'm recovering.

I am confident that we will make it thought this tough period. And I can see us happy on the other side of this.

So for now I guess we will just keep calm and carry on.

No it hasnt

Back to the dr today. Had the catheter removed and will be scheduled for another surgery by Monday.

Feeling relieved to have a definite plan in place.

Scared of another surgery.

2-4 days in patient...6 weeks out of work. No lifting for 3 months!

I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.